• Anthony Dimitrion, LCSW, ACS

Your Kink is Not My Kink, But Your Kink is Okay: Sharing Sexual-Erotic Fantasies with Your Partner



Everyone has a sexual-erotic template that is unique to them. Your sexual-erotic template is made up of sexual turn ons and sexual turn offs that evolve throughout your life. Some individuals have sexual-erotic templates that are expansive, while other's have more limited templates. A "turn on" and "turn off" can consist of sights, sounds, smells, tastes, sensations, situations, settings, feelings, etc. They can vary in degree of intensity (i.e. this is an extreme turn on vs. it's fun, but not my favorite). Our turn ons/turn offs are as subjective and situational as our evening-to-evening dinner preferences. Certain turn ons can be desired one day, and different turn ons desired another day. Below is an exercise that you can engage in with your partner to learn more about one another's sexual-erotic interests and to see whether there are any that are the same.


Review the statements below. Write "Y" if it is something you would try, "N" if it is something you wouldn't try, "A" if Ambivalent/Neutral about the concept, "C" if Curious, "FNR" if you are Turned On by the fantasy, but wouldn't want to engage with the concept in reality, "NA" if not applicable to you. Once finished, share your answers with your partner. See which you have in common. What surprised you about your own answers? What surprised you about your partner's answers? What is one sexual fantasy that you two have never done that you would want to try together now that you have completed this exercise?


1) Have partner give you a sensual massage.


2) Have partner talk dirty to you.


3) Have partner strip or give you a lap dance.


4) Take sensual pictures of your partner.


5) Let your partner masturbate while you watch.


6) Receive a blow job/oral sex from your partner.


7) Penetrate your partner digitally.


8) Penetrate your partner with a dildo.


9) Penetrate your partner with your penis (if applicable).


10) Penetrate your partner anally.


12) Be penetrated by your partner digitally.


13) Be penetrated by your partner with a dildo.


14) Be penetrated by your partner with their penis (if applicable).


15) Be penetrated anally by your partner.


16) Masturbate with someone of the same sex.


17) Have your partner wear a leather harness during sex.


18) Talk dirty to your partner.


19) Give your partner a sensual massage.


20) Be spanked and/or erotically hit by your partner during sex.


21) Spank or erotically hit your partner during sex.


22) Have your hands tied up during sex.


23) Have your legs tied up during sex.


24) Tie your partner up during sex.


25) Roleplay with your partner.


26) Engage sexually outside.


27) Engage sexually in a room other than the bedroom.


28) Watch pornography with your partner.


29) Read erotica with your partner.


30) Masturbate while your partner watched.


31) Try a dildo on yourself.


32) Try a dildo on your partner.


33) Try a fleshlight on yourself.


34) Try a fleshlight on your partner.


35) Try a vibrator on yourself.


36) Try a vibrator on your partner.


37) Have a threesome with your partner and a man/male presenting person.


38) Have a threesome with your partner and a woman/female presenting person.


39) Mutually masturbate with your partner.


40) Engage in an orgy with your partner.


41) Experiment erotically with hot wax.


42) Watch your partner have sex with another man/male presenting person.


43) Watch your partner have sex with another woman/female presenting person.


44) Have sex with a man/male presenting person while your partner watches.


45) Have sex with a woman/female presenting person while your partner watches.


46) Attend a sex party.


47) Use a cock ring/have your partner use a cock ring.


48) Strip or give a lap dance to your partner.


49) Have sex in a public place.


50) Experiment sexually with a blindfold.


51) Give a blow job/oral sex to your partner.


52) Use a whip or flogger erotically on your partner.


53) Be whipped or flogged erotically by your partner.


54) Give your partner a rim job (licking your partners anus).


55) Receive a rim job from your partner.


56) Have sex without a condom.


57) Have sex with lube.


58) Erotically play with your partner's feet.


59) Have your partner erotically play with your feet.


60) Be more dominant, verbal, and in charge in the bedroom while your partner is your submissive.


61) Allow your partner to be dominant, verbal, and in charge in the bedroom while you are submissive.


62) Record your sexual experience with your partner to re-watch with them at a different time.


63) Dress in lingerie.


64) Have virtual sex with your partner.


65) Wear a leather harness during sex.





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